Today at work.....

I was told.....1.   Don't do any independent thinking.
                   2.   Don't try to do your best.
                   3.   Don't try to help others.
                   4.   Don't care.
Can you believe it?  I was appalled that I was told this, but it certainly didn't surprise me.  This is the attitude by the whole organization I work for, but most certainly it is the attitude of the lab.  What do I do?  And then I was told I'm "fragile".  I can say a big bullshit to that.  If anything, I'm strong....too strong and that pisses off people.  So be it.  All of the bad things that have happened to me have just made me stronger.  I just trust God for my final reward.

I had an appt with my PCP today.  I only needed two prescriptions written.  We talked awhile and then out of the blue, he asked me how my mood was.  After what I heard this morning, I told him I was depressed, that I was diagnosed with PTSD.  He wanted to know why and when I told him about the emotional abuse of my mother and the emotional and verbal abuse of my ex-husband, he gave me a hug.  I was really moved by that and actually felt a little better.  As I write this, though, I do have tears in my eyes.  I'm just plain tired.  I'm emotionally drained.  And that certainly doesn't mean fragile.  Although I shouldn't and I know I shouldn't, I will tell my boss that I AM NOT FRAGILE.  I AM STRONG.  That's it.  That's all I'm saying and she can do whatever she wants with that.

Here is a pciture of the baby sweater I'm knitting.  I'm close to being half done.  I get very bored with stockinette stitch.  But I got a beautiful yarn so I will post the sweater I knit when I'm done.

Isn't this pretty?

I made a mistake

today and cared for a moment.  Of course, it caused quite the stir.  When will I ever learn?  I was able to get through the rest of the day and it felt damn good to not give a shit.

My grandson's 15th birthday was yesterday.  I was at his birth.....I can't believe he's this old already.  He is a computer and reading nut.  He also likes Legos with a 1000 pieces.  I got him books, but Amazon screwed up.  I paid to get 2 day shipping a week ago.  The books are still not here.  I also ordered books 2 & 3 of the Hunger Games series.  Loved the first book and gave it to my grandson.

I didn't sleep well this week-end.  In fact, I didn't even make it to church on Sunday.  I hurt a lot and had no energy.  But after I got my meds and just sat and knit awhile, I felt better.

My grandkids last summer at the beach.....it was rather chilly!

Cheer!

I sent my daughter an email from work yesterday about how freeing it was to let go.  This is what she emailed back to me.

GO MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is so cool!

Free!

It's so freeing to let go.  I can't do a thing to make a difference....really.  So just accepting that people are stupid and ignorant and don't care has freed me from some anger I've had.  Now....I just I have to keep going.

It's also helped that my doc has prescribed a new medication for me and it's really helping.  I'm having more energy and I can even do things after work that I couldn't do before.  Praise for drugs!

Failure

I didn't have a happy childhood.  Nothing I did was ever good enough....even the time I got all As and one B on my report card.  I constantly heard from my mother - if you'd be more nice, you'd have more friends - if you quit eating so much, you'd lose weight - if you'd study more, you would get all As - if you keep your mouth closed, you'd be prettier - and on and on.  Then I got into a marriage of emotional and verbal abuse.  Whoa!  Thirty-two years of crap from the people that I thought loved me. By then I had no self-esteem left.  But after 4 years of college and graduating with a BS in Bacteriology and getting only As and Bs, I was beginning to feel better about myself.  I got a divorce and was a single, working mom of 2 teenage daughters who were my world.  I decided then that I was going to help make this world a better place and to help people have an easier life.  Well, I'm now 62 and I haven't made a mark at all in this world.  I've tried so hard that I've only made people dislike me.  People don't want an easier way to do their work.  They don't want to be friends no matter how much I give myself to them.  The people I work with pretend to be friends. No one cares about the work they do.  Well, I care.....but it was got me nowhere.  No more.  I will do the best I can do, try my hardest, be nice and let people be.  What else can I do?  It's hard to be slapped on the face day after day.  So, world, I give up.