I was almost left behind

by time.  Yes.....by time.  I came home from work a couple of weeks ago and the power had been off.  You know how it is....all the digital clocks are blinking.  Believe me, it's a pain in the butt to reset the clock and alarm by my bed.  You need to know that I would sleep until 10 or 11AM without an alarm. Not good when you have to work. I totally rely on my alarm to get me up in the morning.  The next morning....no alarm. But I have a back-up across the room and that alarm went off.......also a pain in the butt because I have to get out of bed every 7 minutes when the snooze alarm goes off.  Oh, yes, I need time to wake up, too.  Usually takes at least 30 minutes.  So that evening I checked the alarm and everything seemed fine.  Again the next day it didn't go off.  Crazy.....good thing for the back-up and that's what I've been using. Well, once in awhile, I would come home from work in the evening and the alarm would be quite loud.  It's terrible for my neighbors because I have my bedroom window open.....it's OK.  I'm on the 2nd floor and who would want to come into my place anyway.  And it was ringing again tonight when I came home.  I have checked and rechecked the alarm.....yes it was set for AM.  You see, there's a little light by the letters PM and it wasn't on.  I had just reconciled myself to buying a new alarm (I go through alarms quite often).  I had a brilliant idea. I checked the clock and alarm for about the 5th time and  I had set the clock to AM when I reset it the first time.  So the alarm was going off in the evening. I felt like slapping myself up the side of my head.  Two weeks!  It took me 2 weeks to figure this out. I can always say it's the fibro or my age.  But this felt just plain stupid.

Another Hawaii photo....

I have this week off, but

I've been spending it at a drs appt and at the hospital for a procedure.  Since my last bowel obstruction 6 weeks ago, I've had a lot of nausea, when I can eat, I fill up fast and then have bloating and pain, and I'm losing weight.  Now that's totally bizarre for me.  I've only lost weight twice in my life.....once with Jenny Craig and once with Atkins.  I usually maintain and often gain.  So when the pounds kept coming off, I started getting worried.  I saw a dr who ordered blood work and CT scan which was normal.  Yesterday, I saw an gastroenterologist.  What a great doc! I've never had such a comprehensive history taken.  He even asked me if I still had my cat!  He wanted to do an EGD....let's see if I can spell that.....esophogastroduodenoscopy.....or something like up.  All it is is an scope down the throat.  I insisted that they make sure I don't wake up.....I've done that before and while interesting in that I was able to see my innards on a screen, I didn't want to do it again.  It was perfect.  All I know at this point is that the doc did several biopsies from every area.  Since I know my liver and pancreas are OK, it only leaves my esophagus, stomach and upper intestine to worry about.  I will call him next week for the results. My jeans are all falling off me.....just 6 weeks ago, I couldn't get into them.  It's amazing what 8-10# can make in a 5'2" person.....at least 2 pants sizes. 

Gotta toss in a picture....don't know what one yet.  We'll just see what comes up!

This is me in Maui....on a beach loaded with shells.  There is a cruise ship in the background and I'm holding the sock I designed for my friend, Kim.  It's been over a year.  You think I'd get it published by now.  I'm just too much of a procrastinator to finish.  What can I say? Oh yeah.....I weighed about 10# more in that picture than I do now. 

Amy Elizabeth Heitz

Amy was born June 11, 1969 and died June 16, 1989.  This week is always the toughest of the year.  Amy was my first born daughter.  I tried going back to work after her birth, but I couldn't do it.  I had to be there for all her "firsts".  I loved being a mother so much that when she was 6 months old, I got pregnant....on purpose.  Nine months later, I had 2 beautiful daughters.  Who knew one day that I'd lose one.  I know this time of year is hard.....but I don't realize how cranky, upset, emotional, pessimistic, and frustrated I really am until June 12th.  It's hard this time....I'm alone.  I was going to go to Idaho where Amy is buried in the family plot, but I don't think I can do it.  I just can't do it alone anymore.  The drive is long and boring and with my health, I'm afraid to drive that far.  Amy isn't there, anyway.  She's in heaven with my dad.  Oh, how he loved her.  I hope they are having a grand time.  My parents are buried to my left....also my grandparents.  In fact, a lot of my aunts and uncles, all my grandparents and some great-grandparents are buried in this cemetary in Payette, Idaho.

So, Amy, this is for you.  You were my love, my dreams, my future.....when you left, there was a hole in my heart.  It's still there....always.  I miss you, I miss your smile, I miss your independence, I miss your curiosity, I miss your attitude, i miss your sassiness, I miss your graduation from college, I miss your wedding, I miss your children and I miss a relationship with me.  I love you always.     Mom

Work is so stressful that

I almost walked out one day......a co-worker talked me down and I stayed.  I'm training a new employee (who I will call Newbie) who just doesn't get it.  A new employee is usually trained in about 2 months in every department (5).  Newbie can't even get trained in one dept in 3 months.  Everyone is frustrated, but I'm the one who has the most contact with Newbie.  No one wants to train Newbie at all in our STAT lab.  It requires organization, prioritization and multi-tasking.  Newbie has none of these qualities.  Boss is off on medical leave and I'm trapped!  Help me!

I've been losing weight and not trying.  I'm also nauseated, have a bit of abdominal pain and fill up too quickly when eating.  I went to the Dr on Wed and he ordered some blood tests and a CT scan of the abdomen which I have tomorrow.  He referred me to a specialist and when I tried to make an appt on Wed afternoon, they kept putting me off.  I still don't have an appt.  I've seen this dr before so I don't know what's going on.  But I'm having anxiety over all these symptoms.  I googled them and It can be nothing or cancer with a bad prognosis.  So you can see why I don't want to wait.


Another lovely picture from Maui.....this is me on the lanai of the condo while on Ravelry!

I can't begin to tell you....

stressed and tired I am.  I almost walked out of work today.  It's midnight and I need to get to sleep.

I had no idea that.....

trouble was brewing.  I was having my usual nausea that comes and goes only it seemed a bit stronger now.  At work last Wed (April 27th) we had a little retirement party for Kim.  Someone had brought a cake and I had a small piece....this was about 10:30AM.  I ate about 2/3 of it and pushed it away.  That's not like me at all!  It was just way too sweet for me.  At my break around 1PM, I had a small slice of almond tort that a nurse practitioner made for the lab for Lab Week.  I felt totally stuffed and went back to work.  About 2:45 I went to lunch and just knit.....I had no appetitie at all.  I really didn't have nausea......just felt full.  When I got home from work about 7:30, the nausea started and at 9PM, the vomiting began.  I didn't think too much about.  But it kept on and on.  I called in sick the next morning and continued vomiting.  Long story short...Dan and Susan came and got me and Susan and I went to ER.  I decided that 24 hours of vomiting was enough.  I kinda sorta thought I was having a bowel obstruction, but I wasn't having any abdominal pain....none.  Something I ate?  Didn't think so.  Something from work?  Didn't think so.  At the ER, I was taken right back, triaged and given a room.  After blood and urine tests and an X-ray, I was diagnosed.  It was a bowel obstuction.  Still, I had no pain.  The last 2 obstructions I had were horrible....the pain was to the point of being unbearable.  I was admitted about midnight and that was that.  Of course, I couldn't sleep.  I had vitals checked frequently at first and I couldn't sleep anyway.  The good news is that I got to watch the Royal Wedding!  Now, all I had to do was wait for the obstruction to clear.  And it did.....around midnight Friday.  I ate a few bites of food on Sat AM and after having no problems I got to leave.  I'm now at Dan and Susan's.  They are taking good care of me.  I'm eating a little....not much.  I still feel weak so I'm going to stay home tomorrow.  I'm so thankful I didn't need surgery but was reminded by the Dr that this will happen again.

God is good....He kept me safe.  It could have been so much worse.  I put my life in His hands.....He knows what I need, I don't.

Other than that, life is good.  The baby sweater I'm knitting is almost done.  I'm also going to knit a hat that matches.  My mind is doing well.....I'm doing my usually devious Sudoku puzzles.  The weather is warming and the sun's been out.  Yes....life is good.

Allrighty then.....

I got up this AM and started my usual routine....go to the bathroom, turn on the shower, get underwear out, turn on TV and......I was totally stumped.  Something just didn't feel right.  What was it?  I looked around....and finally opened my medicine cabinet. OMG!  I hadn't taken any of my daily prescriptions or supplement....for about 4 days!  No wonder....not only was I not taking my antidepressant, I was going cold turkey off of it.  That is not good at all.  I hadn't taken my Nexium....stomach problems.  I hadn't taken my Acyclovir.  I'm so surprised that my lips aren't covered with cold sores.  No calcium, no magnesium, no biotin, no everything.  This is one of the worst memory problems I've had.

I got to work in Microbiology by myself today.  It was like coming home.  I've been training for so long that I haven't done any work by myself.  It felt good.

I'm knitting again.  I'm making a baby sweater that is called Summer Chills Cardigan.  I finally settled on a yarn after spending about $70 on fingering yarn (another pattern).  I just couldn't decide on one....and I figured I could always use it for socks.  I bought a cheap acrylic that won't get harmed in washing and drying.  Best thing for a new mom.  I really wanted to use wool, but I knew that wouldn't fly. 

So things are looking up.  I see a bit of hope again.

I took this picture in Maui about 11 months ago....wish I was back there.  Oh my co-worker is there now.  I will live it through him!

I understand that people....

have lives.  In fact, I have one, too.  I can't even get to my knitting group every week because of how often I go to Vernonia.  So......I've been weepy all day.  No matter the topic at work, I would tear up.  About 11:40AM. I felt like I got hit with a lightning bolt.  Instantly I was sweating, got nauseated, was shaking so I thought the usual.....hypoglycemia which happens to me now and then.  I ate a piece of candy that I keep around just in case and my nausea only got worse.  By the time I left STD clinic and went back to the Lab, I was on the verge of vomiting.  Needless to say, I came home.  While waiting on the Max I called Susan.  Told her about my feelings.....like I posted about yesterday and of course, she gets it.  But.....as we discussed people have lives and I just need to let it ago.  She has a friend who started a group (that's how Susan met her friend)and it eventually fell apart.  People have lives.  But I think my situation is a bit different.  My group people left and started another group!  OK.....this is it.  GET OVER IT! 

On a new note, I was told I was beautiful today....from a man!  Another guy last week called me beautiful, too, but he's gay.  Does that count? 

I feel like I have been

betrayed.  And I'm sure this feeling is all part of my PTSD.  But the facts are facts.  The knitting group I started about 3 years is about within an inch of its life.  When I first started it, it took months to take off, but I stuck with it.  thenwe had 12-13 every week!  I was so pleased.  But "people" got discouraged with the location for several good reasons and we agreed to move.  That move was the beginning of the downfall.  I heard via the grapevine that some people were offended and started their own group.  We were suddenly down to 4-5 people on a good day.  No one came to talk to me.....or ask questions...or anything.  Now they were suddenly gone.  So now the group rarely has more than 1-2 people there.  One person told me they were just done.....what did I go?  I don't know because no one talks.  They just shrink away.  I have no options of attending other groups because of my work.  Now people aren't even posting on Ravelry on the thread I started.  No wonder I feel abandoned.  OK....I give up.  If my personality or whatever is that bad, I guess I should "get it" and get on with my life.

I finally settled on a pattern and yarn for a baby sweater.  It's made of fingering and I think the baby will be born in June before I ever get this done.  I'm already taking a short break from it.  I will probably carry it with me everywhere so I can work on it when any chance comes around. 

My poor grandson....tangled with a baseball.

Brendyn, I hope this doesn't happen again!

It feels like the past....

month hasn't existed....it's just flown by so fast.  There are some things I'm trying to get done, but I have a major addiction problem.  Sudoku! It's a fabulous game from Gamehouse.  It ranks me in comparison to how everyone in the world is doing.  I've actually been #1 a couple of times and in the top ten probably 20 times or so.  Wow....I did that well!  I have to get away from it, because I'm not getting the things done that I want to get done.  My knitting has just been sitting next to me all week.  I'm knitting a couple of dishcloths for my friend, Kim, who is retiring next month at a very young age.  I have a friend having a baby in June and I need to get busy on that.

I'm training a new guy at work and he's just not getting it.  We haven't gone beyond the basics in a month.....they are taking him up to 7 hours when he should be getting them done in a couple hours or so.  There's so much more he has to learn and he has to get it done in an  hour day.  I'm starting to get frustrated and my voice is showing it.  I'm clueless as what more I can do.  My co-workers are very sympathetic, but that isn't helping him learn.

I'm still struggling with the buprenorphine.  It's not doing anything much at all.  I want to sleep all the time.  Getting out of bed and then walking from my car to the Max and from the Max to work is a big struggle every day.  My right hip is so painful that I'm actually thinking about a cane.  I just don't want to go there.  My next appointment with my rheumatologist is in a month so I will hobble along until then.  I think I want to go back on the Vicodin.

I think the oven is hot....I love little frozen canapes.  Easy, easy dinner.

I can't believe someone actually

read this!  Well.....maybe 2 people.  I started this mostly as a way to vent.  I come home from work and I'm alone.  Sometimes that loneliness really gets to me and I just need to write.  I'm not a writer by any measure.  I did enough to get by in college and that's it.

My daughter made my beautiful hat.  She bought the pattern so she doesn't share it. Quite a few have bought the hat from her.  She makes them to order.  I wish I could remember the name of the pattern.  I'll have to ask.

This is a hat Susan made for a friend.  It's pink and brown and I'm just the model!

My buprenorphine didn't do it's job today.  I have upped the dose to 6 mg bid.  I had quite a bit of hip pain today.  I was on my feet from 9-1 without a break.  Clinic was extremely busy as usual.  I'm trying to keep working there, but I know if I don't want to, my doc will write a letter.  But I already have my co-workers pissed at me because I'm not doing Thurs AM clinic any more.

I was so cranky the last hour at work.  I said things I regret and I need to apologize.  I hate it when I get like that.....nothing stops my mouth from opening.  I've prayed and prayed about it and I know I need to pray more.

Susan and I went on Portland's Yarn Crawl this past week-end.  We only did 3 westside stores and one in SW Portland. I decided I was going to spend money and I did!  I didn't buy everything I wanted....not even close, but I did spring for some gorgeous yarn.  Angelika's Yarn Store in incredible!  It's all about Cascade Yarns.  She carries enough of any kind or color to make any project you want.  Most stores only have 2-3 skeins of any one color at the most. 

I'm off to find something to eat.  I rarely shop anymore and I live mostly on cereal.  Don't feel like that tonight. 

And I thought that life

would be beautiful from my last post.  HA!  I got a new RX for the buprenorphine.  When I went to the pharmacy to pick it up, the pharmacist said that insurance would not pay for it for another week.  So....how was I supposed to titer my dosage?  I had to drop back to 2 mg bid for a month.  Today was my appt and I found out that my Rx was screwed up.  Both the nurse and the doc were very apologetic.  So now my RX is written for 4-6 tabs 2-3 times a day....or something like that.  So what it boils down to is that I now have 270 per month rather than 60.  What a difference!  I already started taking 4 mg.  So I'll try it for at least 5 days and see how I feel.  Then I might increase....or not.  I'm so happy that this is worked out.  I was feeling terrible with lots of hip pain.  Some days it really hurt to just move.  And sometimes my back would be at least a 5 (on a scale of 1-10) for a day or so and then ease up.  Then it would be another body area.  But the hip was constant.  And my right shoulder and arm would beginning to bother me when I would knit.  Can't have that!  Maybe I'll get over my knitting slump now.  I guess that just having the Rx problem fixed has made me feel better.

I'm now the lead microbiologist for Multnomah County, Oregon!  OMG!  I didn't think of it that way at all until a few days ago.  I started ~Feb 1 and I didn't get hardly any training.  I'm learning so much and making a few changes as I go.  I thought it would be a struggle to get things changed, but my boss seems happy that I'm making things better.  I have a couple of co-workers who are very supportive, but one is leaving at the end of the month.  I started training a new person this week.  I've had him doing some reading, but tomorrow we will start on 24 hr urine cultures.  That's the easiest and most consistent culture we do. 

There are lots of things to say, but my pea brain is hungry and I need to eat.  It's having trouble remembering things.  Note time!

I had a new experience

this week.  It was liberating!  I went several hours without thinking about pain because I had no pain!  OMG!  It has been years since I have felt like this.  I feel in control of my fibro now instead of it controlling my life like it has.  I did something today that I haven't done in probably 10 years or more.  I danced....and danced.  Tuesday afternoon I took my last vicodin.  I was tired of the side effects and it just wasn't doing the job anymore.  I didn't want a higher dosage.  I talked to my rheumatologist who told me about an alternative pain medication.  I started it Wednesday morning.  The miracle drug?  Buprenorphine.  This drug was developed to treat opiate addiction.  It attaches to the same receptors in the brain as the opiates do, but it doesn't give any high.  It was found that it also helped with people who have intractable chronic pain.  My dr said that quite a few patients have had good luck with it.  So, I figured, why not.  I love it.  I'm not chained to my watch alarm because I was taking the vicodin every 4 hours.  I'm currently taking the buprenorphine every 12 hrs.  I went to a wedding today and I'm currently achy from the dancing, but it was totally worth it just to be able to dance. 

This is one of my favorite pictures that I took while I was in Maui.

I usually seem to talk about

everything, but knitting.  Most people think that knitting is just knitting.  But every project is an adventure.  I'm a process knitter.  I love watching my progess, I love changing things a bit, I love doing complicated patterns and I love the way I feel when I'm knitting.....calm, relaxed, and knowing I will have a finished sock or shawl or whatever ready for someone's use.  I love the feel of the yarn, especially the squishyness.  I love that I can carry sock projects with me wherever I go.  I even love questions like "What are you crocheting?" which make me laugh.  Knitting is joy....even when I get frustrated from a hard pattern and bored from a pattern that is too simple.  I love talking to my knitting friends about knitting. I love sharing patterns.  I love talking about our projects and about how hard or simple they are.  I've never had a hobby (I don't like that word here, but I can't think offhand of an appropriate word) before that I can always have with me.  And I've even designed 2 patterns. That's the craziness of it all.  I'm not creative!  I would love to be able to design freely with no work worries.  It's a wonderful dream.  So I knit when I'm sad.  I knit when I'm tired. I knit when I'm commuting.  I knit in bed. How could I have lived my life so long without knitting in my life? 

I actually had a decent

week-end.  My dining room was loaded with stuff for recycling and I got it all out and into the bin on Thursday and Friday.  Saturday I got up early (for me) and started work on the living room.  I had incentive to get things picked up as the cable guy came Sat AM.  I went to my knitting group in the afternoon, came home and did some more work.  I was rather tired around 7PM so I gave up.  Sunday I was exhausted and sore, but I got another big project done.  Wow....it feels so good!

I haven't talked about my

fibromyalgia for awhile.  It is getting worse....slowly.  Today I am home sick.  My upper body feels great, but from the waist down, the pain is really bad.  I was in bed until 3PM.  I had to get up when my hips started burning.  I'm sitting downstairs now and they still burn. 

I'm tired of taking vicodin for the pain and told my specialist that.  He gave me information about 2 other treatments and I'm hoping that at my next appt, we can make the change. 

I'm having a worse time getting out of bed.  It hurts to move and I still want to sleep.  I've rigged up a couple of alarm clocks, but sometimes that still doesn't work. I have to work so I have to figure out the pain and sleep thing. 

I just watched one of the most boring movies I've ever seen in my life.  It's written by a guy here in Portland, is about Portland and shows Portland as a bad place to get stuck in.  It's called Wendy and Lucy.  I wouldn't recomend it to anyone.

I love my new hat!

Susan made this for me and I choose the colors.  It's pale grey with purple trim.  Those are my 2 favorite colors along with black.  I've received so many compliments on it.  Good job, Susan!

Geez, I was really depressed

when I last wrote.  It's the worst I've left in a long time.  I did come out of it by Monday but still......I was in the pits! Feels good to be out of it.

Work has been good this week.  The boss and our good-for-nothing guy were out both Monday and Tuesday.  The whole atmosphere at work changes when they are gone.  I do not like the tension level when they are there. 

Our microbiology person retired (altho she's supposed to be working this month) and I asked the boss last summer if I could take over.  She beat around the bush and didn't say yes or no.  So I asked her again in early December.  Again she beats around the bush.  OK....so officially no one is in charge of Micro.  My BS is in Micro and I've done a lot of medical micro.....more so than any other person there. Know why she doesn't want me there? 
1.   I know way more than she does about Micro....in fact, I know more about running a lab and regulations than she does.  She really hates that.
2.   I would make changes in the testing we do.  Our methods are very archaic.....doing tests the way I did in my med tech training 30 years ago!
So I just don't see it happening.  She'll use some excuse, but I'm not going to let her get away with whatever she tells me. 

I'm tired and I need to knit. 

It seems like everything thing

I do or decision I make is wrong.  I thought I had talked myself out of that, but here I am again.  I wanted to stay home this week-end and get things done around the house since I have 3 days off.  I was going to put all my junk in the living away, etc.  Friday started out great.  I had energy and got the kitchen and bathroom cleaned, did laundry and changed my bed still feeling great.  Sat AM I didn't get out of bed until 1:30.  I woke up early enough, but just couldn't move.  I finished the toe on my sock and did some sudoku puzzles.  By the time I got up and showered, I was extremely exhausted and in pain.  I literally sat on the couch the whole rest of the day.  I hurt and even going upstairs caused my heart to pound and I had to gasp for air.  I DID NOTHING ALL DAY!  Do you know how much I hate that part of me?  I wanted to control the fibro and now it's controlling me.  I should have gone to Susan's and at least I could have sat there and be around the kids.  I screwed up again.  Even small decisions I make are wrong.  This is why I hate making decisions.  I want new curtains....afraid of getting the wrong size.  I'm making a sweater....think I made the wrong decision on the yarn and I'm not enjoying working on it.  And I have tons of little decisions that I make that aren't right.  So why?  I don't make a decision lightly.  I think of all aspects before I do.  I look at the positives and the negatives.....I still get it wrong.  So because I can't decide what to do with all my stuff, it's all over the living room. (I just deleted a ranting....I don't want to do that.) 

I need you, God, to help me with my decisions.  I will pray more about them and listen to your voice.  Hear my prayer, O Lord.