Twenty-one

Twenty-one years ago today my life changed in the worst way possible.  I was at my parent's with my daughter, Susan, and my sister, Deana and we were relaxing outside in the beautiful, sun-filled day.  Amy was driving 275 miles to join us so the whole family could celebrate my parent's 50th anniversary the next day, June 17, 1989. It was late in the afternoon and we had moved to the back part of the yard to sit under the willow tree. My dad yelled out the door to my mom that she had a phone call. We heard her scream and we all went running inside the house. Amy had died in a car wreck about 40 miles away. The police had trouble tracking down someone to notify, but she had her father's parents address on her driver's license. The police called her grandparents, grandma called Amy's father and he called my mother.....not me, my mother. At the time my husband was in Alaska working on a Coast Guard cutter at the Exxon oil spill. (Exxon did one thing right, they paid for a roundtrip ticket for him to come home). No more details. I don't want to rehash the rest, but the next week was pure hell. Then after my mother died 6 years later, I found it that she had faked her wedding date because she'd been pregnant when they got married. Lies....she did live with a lot of lies and secrets, but that meant that all of us kids did, too. Well, enough...this is about Amy. She was beautiful, extremely intelligent (IQ over 130), independent, strong, sure of herself and a go-getter. She had just finished her sophomore year of college in chemical engineering. She also worked part-time at Arby's and was a supervisor. How do you oversome this? In a nutshell, you don't. You just try to get through the day in any way possible just to survive. So here I am, 21 years later and it still hurts. I took today off work because I just can't hold it together all the time. I usually work both June 11 and June 16, but not this year. I did work June 11, but told no one what was going on. Everyone knows about Amy, but I don't think anyone remembers the dates. I just spend the morning running a few errands that I can't do during the week. In fact, I had to buy 2 new tires for my car because I'd been neglecting taking care of it. (procrastinating as usual) I got my blood drawn for testing which I was supposed to do about 2 months ago. And I got my glassed adjusted because I'm tired of the red spots on my nose and the pain behind the ears. Then I treated myself with a good lunch out....no fast food, but at a real restaurant! So although I've been knitting, I'm having a pity party for myself....is it really a pity party? No....just the pain of having lost a child.

Amy

This is a bad 2 weeks.....Amy was born June 11, 1969 and died June 16, 1989.  I don't know why I'm having more emotional problems this year than usual, but I am.  I was teary at work, but no one noticed.  All my senses are on superhigh.....they are on high anyway, but more so than usual.  Last evening while walking to the Max, I could even feel the stitches from my socks on the bottom of my feet.  Who ever feels that?  Well, I did.  When I get blue, I get cranky, but I don't want to say anything at work.  It still hurts and I still feel a hole in my heart that will never go away. 

I had an appt for my yearly physical this morning with my PCP.  He said something to me that I've never heard before.  "Thank you for taking care of yourself".  OMG, I know that I'm healthy aside from the fibro.  I have low cholesterol and low blood pressure.  Thank you, Mom and Dad!  I really don't take that good of care of myself.  The fibro keeps me down.  I don't exercise and I eat terribly.  Usually I'm nauseated and tired enough in the evening that even having a bowl of cereal is sometimes a struggle.  But I'm very pleased with my appt.  I also got a ton of free samples! 

It's still cold and rainy here.  I'm sure that is adding to my sadness.  It's supposed to be sunny and warm this week-end, but I'm NOT holding my breath.  I hate Portland and this is the main reason.

Now I'm really

showing myself as a procrastinator.  It's been a month since I was here.  I had the best time in Maui.....I would live there if it wasn't for family here.  The trip home was uneventful.  I hated getting back to cold, rainy weather.  It's the same now only a month later!  June 3.....I can't believe everyone is still wearing a coat. 

My fibro has steadily got worse since I got home.  I hurt a lot and the nausea is coming on full force.  Usually if I eat something, it goes away, but this time not eating is making it better.  It's 8:40PM and I probably won't eat until after 9.....a bowl of cereal.  That's about all I can take.  I'm not sleeping well, either.  It's 2 more week before I see my Drs.  Personally, I don't think anything will change.  Life is just a struggle now.  I've even lost my knitting mojo!  I was knitting a pair of socks.....knitting each end of the ball doing 2 at a time.  Took awhile before I realized one sock was on a size 1US needle and the other on a size 2US!  How incredibly stupid!  I haven't started anything for a couple of days now. 

This is one of my favorite photos.  I took it at a botanical garden on the road to Hana.  I love those colors.  The peacock was quite the poser.  I got a lot of pictures of him strutting around.








This is my new sock design.  I took this picture at a road side stand that sold sandwiches, smoothies, ice cream, etc.  Notice the Christmas decorations?  I love this picture...I didn't even think to pose it.  I just threw the sock down.

And one last photo......my trip home on the airplane.