Life goes on

I decided to go to Seattle Friday to see my sister, Deana.  I was going to just go up for the day stopping in Chehalis to see my brother.  But a wonderful friends who has a condo in Seattle invited me to stay there over night.  That was so cool.  Deana looks well except the surgery staples that are all over her body.  She had a large skin graft on her neck as well as incisions up from her tail bone, under her arm and up the front side.  I can't imagine how horrible it is.  There was nothing the dr's could do about the tumors in her lungs.  This surgery was only to make her more comfortable as she is dying.

It was good to see my brother again.  He looks so much like my dad.  When I first spotted him, I almost collapsed thinking it was Dad.  We had a good visit.

I had a horrible flashback thanks to my sister's husband.  He said some things to me that my abusive ex used to say to me.  I would have got up and left, but for my sister's sake, I sat and took it.  I cried all the way home, all evening and am crying right now.  I hate how something like this can come back and bring all those feelings to the surface.  I've been working years and years to get past this.  PTSD.....I can understand how soldiers can react when they have a flashback.  My PTSD is nothing like theirs and I still reacted this way. 

I was so exhausted yesterday that I slept in today longer than I wanted.  But once I got up, I did the one thing that absolutely needed to get done....my taxes.  I used one website that I wasn't happy with at all.  So I used another and now I get a healthy amount of money back......more than enough to pay for my Hawaii trip and my new laptop.  I've been knitting today, too.  Still had a hard time with my pattern.....no reason at all.  It's not difficult, but I think my brain has been in another place.  Today I did much better.

Life goes on.....there's nothing we can do to change it.  It just happens.  I didn't plan on my sister dying, I didn't plan on her husband being verbally abusive and I didn't plan for that website to screw up my taxes.  I can only fix what happens. 

I know God is testing me, but for the life of me, I can't figure it out.  I feel so stupid.  I even pray for Him to reveal to me what He wants me to do.  I pray for guidance.  I pray for strength.  Maybe I'll have to wait for heaven.