Oh my gosh!

There are so many things to talk about, but it's late.  For now, I talked to Deana this evening and she's doing well.  She's trying to decide whether to do radiation or not.  I hope she doesn't.  I think it will just make her more miserable.  I want her to be well while she's dying.  That was a stupid comment, but I wish that for everyone.  No reason to endure pain and burns.

I'm leaving for Maui on Wed, April 28th, 2010.  I can hardly stand it!  I started packing tonight and I hope to take tomorrow afternoon off.  We'll see.  Boss has been gone for 3 days so I haven't been able to get her approval.

Had appts with my specialists on Friday.  Mostly I went to get my injections before I leave.  I do not want my back hurting while I'm gone.  It was suggested I try melatonin again as there is no literature that says it causes diarrhea.  Well, I took it and guess what.  Yes....it happened again this AM.  I bought a smalled dosage tonight so I'll see if it is better. 

Aloha for now!

Life goes on

I decided to go to Seattle Friday to see my sister, Deana.  I was going to just go up for the day stopping in Chehalis to see my brother.  But a wonderful friends who has a condo in Seattle invited me to stay there over night.  That was so cool.  Deana looks well except the surgery staples that are all over her body.  She had a large skin graft on her neck as well as incisions up from her tail bone, under her arm and up the front side.  I can't imagine how horrible it is.  There was nothing the dr's could do about the tumors in her lungs.  This surgery was only to make her more comfortable as she is dying.

It was good to see my brother again.  He looks so much like my dad.  When I first spotted him, I almost collapsed thinking it was Dad.  We had a good visit.

I had a horrible flashback thanks to my sister's husband.  He said some things to me that my abusive ex used to say to me.  I would have got up and left, but for my sister's sake, I sat and took it.  I cried all the way home, all evening and am crying right now.  I hate how something like this can come back and bring all those feelings to the surface.  I've been working years and years to get past this.  PTSD.....I can understand how soldiers can react when they have a flashback.  My PTSD is nothing like theirs and I still reacted this way. 

I was so exhausted yesterday that I slept in today longer than I wanted.  But once I got up, I did the one thing that absolutely needed to get done....my taxes.  I used one website that I wasn't happy with at all.  So I used another and now I get a healthy amount of money back......more than enough to pay for my Hawaii trip and my new laptop.  I've been knitting today, too.  Still had a hard time with my pattern.....no reason at all.  It's not difficult, but I think my brain has been in another place.  Today I did much better.

Life goes on.....there's nothing we can do to change it.  It just happens.  I didn't plan on my sister dying, I didn't plan on her husband being verbally abusive and I didn't plan for that website to screw up my taxes.  I can only fix what happens. 

I know God is testing me, but for the life of me, I can't figure it out.  I feel so stupid.  I even pray for Him to reveal to me what He wants me to do.  I pray for guidance.  I pray for strength.  Maybe I'll have to wait for heaven. 

Deana

My sister had surgery today.  Her husband, John, called late in the afternoon to tell me what was happening.  The surgery took 10 hours because the tumor was much, much worse than the surgeon expected.  It was so adhered to the aorta that they couldn't cut it off.  They had to shave it.  The tumor went up over her shoulder and some muscles had to be totally removed.  Her left arm has no function now.  She also had a skin graft where the tumor was about to protrude from the skin on her neck.  The lymph nodes in her neck were positive for cancer so they know the lung lesions are cancerous, too.  Deana is in ICU and will be there a couple of days.  She will spend quite a few days in the hospital before she can come home.  John said that she will start radiation in about 6 weeks.  I guess that's hopeful.  All I could think about today was Deana.  I think I was in constant prayer for her safety.  I've never seen anyone as ill as this and it's so hard....she is my sister.  We don't want our siblings to die.  Even though I lost Amy, this is still very hard for me.  I will probably go up to Seattle on Friday.  I need to see her.

I finally figured out.....

what was causing my diarreha......about 6 weeks of it!  After a miserable night about 2 weeks ago, I finally went to the doctor.  He ordered a whole lot of tests and told me he thinks it might be sudden onset milk intolerance.  I read up on it and it does exist.  I stopped milk, but the big D didn't go away.  So next I stopped TripleFlex....glucosamine, chondroitin and hyaluronic acid.  It can cause D, but it didn't go away.  I also did a bunch of tests at work which were all negative.  This went on for quite some time before I had a brainstorm last Thursday at midnight.  Melatonin!  All my research said nothing about D, but I stopped it and the D is gone!  Wow....finally.  I'm proud that I figured this out on my own.

I had a wonderful Easter with the family.  Mostly I knit and watched TV.  Dinner was awesome.  Thank you, Jesus, for your sacrifice for my life.  Thank you for your grace.

I visited my sister, Deana, on Friday.  She has metastatic cancer and is having surgery tomorrow.  There's a growth that started in her neck (and ignored by her dr for some time.....that pissed me off) and is wrapping itself around her aorta.  There are 3 outcomes:
     1.   She doesn't survive the surgery.
     2.   She survives, but her arm is paralyzed and her voicebox will be affected.
     3.   She makes it with no complications.

Of course, I am praying for #3.  She is OK with whatever happens, but I'm not.  I want my sister around.....my only sister.  We had some good talks this past year.  We found out our mother played us against each other.  How horrible....how can a mother do that to her children?  I think it made both of us good mothers.  My mother did all kinds of awful things to us....not physical.....just psychological.  That's just as bad in my book.  No wonder I have PTSD.  Between that and my abusive first marriage, it was bound to happen.  Wait....this is about my sister.  I want her happy and healthy again.  I will be praying all day for her.  I also put in a prayer request at both Susan's church and my church.  Thank God for computers and email.

These picture were taken last summer.  The top one is me and Deana.  On the bottom is Deana and her wonderful husband, John.