Thanksgiving Week

This has been a good week for me. I drove to Vernonia after work on Wednesday. I didn't get up the next day until about 10:30 AM. I've been having trouble getting to sleep. My sleep cycles regularly. I can't get to sleep, I can't stay asleep or I'm up all night long. Monday night I got 4 hours sleep. Waking up in the morning is brutal. I need at least 30 minutes of playing with the snooze alarm and then often I'm running late. Anyway, Thanksgiving Day was great. I helped with the meal which was scrumptious. I knit on my hat and I just plain relaxed. Let's see.....that's all I did on Friday and Saturday......knit, eat and relax. The kids were busy going places so I didn't feel pressured to play with them. I finished my hat, worked on Garrett's sock and started a new sock for me. The pattern is called Montgolfiere. It's made with 2 of my favorite colors....purple and green.

I'm having some back pain....probably because I'm sitting so much. I'll get out tomorrow and that will help. I've also had Susan put arnica gel in the places that hurt the most and it really helps. Now if I could just get her to give me a massage....don't think that will ever happen.

I spent too much time thinking....not so good for me. My mind goes where it shouldn't. That's painful. I'm trying to stay focused on whatever I'm doing, but everything draws me back. It's sucks. Have I already said that?

Sadness

I went through the day feeling a bit of sadness. It's not unusual to feel sadness before a holiday when you've lost a child. You not only ache for your loss, but you ache for their loss. Amy will never graduate from college, get married, have children, start family holiday traditions and enjoy life. I only pray that Heaven is just incredible for her and I long for the day when I can see her again. Amy, I miss you so much. I wish you could see your nephews and niece. Hennessy is so much like you that sometimes I laugh at the things she says and does. She is very independent like you were. She's bold and daring like you. She will kiss you only when she feels like it....like you. I can't wait to see her as a beautiful, young woman. Know, Amy, that I think of you every day.

A Glimpse

Sometimes we get a glimpse of something that's beautiful and makes us feel we have some of our youth back.....feelings of joy and peace and love. But then it's taken away from us in an instant. I'm not angry or upset, but I'm sad that I won't get to experience more. There's no one to blame.....it just is. I'm thankful for the small view of a more perfect world. And life goes on.

Finally

It's Friday evening and like everyone else, I live for Fridays. Usually I'm so exhausted that when I get home I just sit and can't move. Today is different. I'm actually feeling OK.

I discovered my problem with feeling sick yesterday. I had forgotten to take my Cymbalta for 3 days. As I was packing meds to visit Susan and kids this week-end, I found the bottle at the back of my medicine cabinet. As soon as I got to work, I googled "cymbalta cold turkey". OMG, I had almost every symptom that was listed! Cymbalta is an SSRI anti-depressant used to treat pain in people with fibro. But you never want to cold turkey Cymbalta.....ever. The feelings I had were so bad I don't want to go through that again. Why did I forget? This is my morning routine. Get out of bed, take pain meds, take a shower, get dressed and then take rest of meds. I've always had 5 usual meds that I only take in the AM.....5. So everyday I count to make sure I have them all. Well, I seemed to have forgotten that I've added Iron to my regimen. So I still had 5 AM pills. My system has worked for years and years, but clearly it isn't now. My great friend, Julie D, has a Kaiser appointment and said she'd pick up a large pill case for me to put those meds in. It's very cheap there. Isn't she a sweetheart? It's so good to have friends who care. I thank God for my friends who are still my friends even tho I can be a beast with the fibro. It's not easy being me.....fibro, PTSD, divorced, bereaved mom.....so it must be hard on my friends, too, when I go crazy. God is good.

I don't even know

where to start or what to say? So why am I here? It's been a bizarre week. Last night I decided this must be what ADHD is like. I can't focus and I flit from the couch to the computer to the kitchen and back. I start a project and then frog it. My mind is everywhere. I'm having trouble reading on the Max....finding myself just staring out the window. I just finished "Marley and Me". I found myself sobbing on the way to work and had to stop reading. I decided I had to finish on the way home and as tears flowed down my cheeks, I finished. I always wonder what the people around me are thinking. Or do they even notice? Does anyone care that I'm crying? No.....it's become a cold world.

I left work earlytoday. I woke up this AM a bit confused, but after my shower, I felt OK. I worked in the STD lab and had no problems up until around 11AM when I started feeling ADHD-ish again. I left around 1PM and had lunch. My stomach was OK, but I felt like I'd been punched in the head. I have loud, constant ringing in the middle of my head! Usually it's just in the ears and that's no problem. I'm used to it, but the middle of my head? That's just crazy. I'm so tired, but I couldn't sleep when I got home. Watched TV from bed and finally got antsy and got up. I'm really feeling scared today. I supposed I should call Dr KK, but I won't unless things get worse.

I'm old and ill....no one wants to be with someone like me. I really miss being in a relationship. I miss having someone just to hold me when I don't feel well, someone to rub my back when the pain is getting bad, someone to just tell me it will be all right. Yeah.....I do love my fantasies cuz that's all I've got!

Do not drink....

when you are knitting a complicated cable pattern for socks. I really screwed it up Saturday evening while drinking a Mike's Hard Limeade and just had to leave it. I went to bed hopeful for a new day and a clear mind. Well, it was a new day, all right, but a clear mind was barely there. I finally sat down to knit and fixed my mistake. I took off and knit 2 rounds with lots of cables and messed up again. I apparently dropped a stitch. Tonight I tinked back 2 rows....not an easy task with all those cables. I got the stitch picked up and that needle was fine again. But somewhere along the line I'm missing a stitch on the other needle. I love the pattern, My Vampire Boyfriend, and the yarn is a gorgeous kettle-dyed deep red. But the yarn is extremely splitty. I don't the pattern and the yarn are meant to be together. I will have to think on this awhile.

I felt great today. I wasn't tired and I had almost no pain. What's the reason? That's an interesting question.

Friday, the 13th

This day has never been an unlucky day for me. I don't believe in superstitions, palm readings, tarot, horoscopes, finding my aura, etc. If you don't believe, those things can't hurt you. I believe God is in control and that's that.

I had a wonderful day on Wed, the 11th, Veteran's Day. I undertook a large (for me) project and I felt so proud of myself. I suppose it should have taken only a couple of hours, but I stretched it out all day. That's OK. At least I got done. I have big plans for tomorrow, too.

I was diagnosed with anemia. I have virtually no iron stores. I tried taking 325 mg FE(iron) twice a day, but it tore up my gut. I had to stop taking it because it wasn't worth the pain. I went to my rheumotolost, Dr KK and it was decided I'd take a different kind of FE pill. I still haven't done it, but I am taking one of the ones I have once a day. I'm starting to get back a little bit of energy so I suppose the FE is helping. I will have a blood test in a few weeks to see if I'm making any improvement.

Oh......about knitting. I'm making socks for all my grandchildren. I started my granddaughter's 2nd sock and I probably cast on about 10 times trying to line up the stripes. I usually get it first try, but I'm making a much smaller sock than I'm used to and making up the pattern as I go. I've finally got about an inch or so on it, but it won't take me long to finish. I also started a sock for myself called "My Vampire Boyfriend". Of course, it's in red...what else? It's a difficult pattern so it's slow-going for me. That's OK. The kids are more important. One of my friends at work asked me to make a pair of socks for her for her retirement. She's only in her 40's! I was thrilled she asked. After Christmas I will design a pair for her.

Did I mention.....

that I am a procrastinator? I really wasn't like this a few years ago. I think the fibro adds to it, but when you aren't working, don't have much money and are desperately seeking a job, you tend to let things go. I let my checkbook go. Keep an accounting every month? Whatever for. I know exactly how much money I have in my account at any one time and I can check it online at any time. What's the problem? This same philosophy applies to other areas of my life. I can always get something done.....it's just a matter of when. And now with my fibro worsening, it's easier to let things go. Seems like the only thing that gets done is work and knitting, especially socks. Yes, I'm a sock addict. It could be a worse addiction!

These are the socks I designed. I call them "Curvalicious" I'm in the process of writing the pattern and hope to post it soon on Ravelry and here.