Happy New Year!

Here it is, almost 2 hours until midnight and I still haven't talked about Christmas. I had an awesome time with the kids. They get so excited over opening presents. I made socks for the grandkids and the boys wore theirs for 2 days! I love it.

Work was kinda slow this week. That was good because I haven't felt well all week. My back is hurting and I've had several people rub arnica gel on it. It helps a lot, but I think it's mostly the massaging on of the gel that helps.

I got a Happy New Year's kiss today! Too bad it's from a married guy I occasionally work with. He's so nice.....oh well. I told him to find someone for me!

I'm working on a new sock, of course. But for some reason I keep making errors so I'm faithfully counting each row as I finish. So far that is working. Susan and I are having our own Knit-A-Long.....the Echo Flower Shawl. She gave me more than enough lace weight yarn. She'll have it done long before I do. It's a shame I have to work.

I wish I had the words to say the things I want. I was raised in a household where we didn't elaborate or use fancy words at all. I talk and write tersely and to the point. I have a hard time expressing exactly what I'm feeling. Maybe I.....Maybe I should.....I just don't know. I think you have it as a writer or speaker or you don't. I don't. Now talk to me scientifically and I'm there!

Max was a bad boy tonight. Several years ago Susan got me a beautiful wooden sign that says "Pray". Max reached up and knocked it off the wall. It broke. I was so mad at him. He's outside and may stay there awhile. I think I can glue it back together. He's just been mean lately when I'm around. Is he getting mad at me for leaving him alone when I go to see the kids? He still cuddles with me a night, but I don't understand why he wants to knock everything off.....paper on the table, pictures on the wall, my water bottle on the floor, etc and etc. He's worse now than when he was a kitten. Do cats have second childhoods? Wish I knew.....

Tomorrow starts a new year. I don't think it's going to be any better than 2009. I don't get a raise or COLA and my prescriptions have sky-rocketed. My house is falling apart. I'm hurting...that's not going away. And did I mention that besides being a procrastinator I'm also a pessimist. The way I see it is like this....a pessimist will never be disappointed and if something good happens, it's wonderful. An optimist will often be disappointed and will be sad when things don't go their way. So.....if anything good happens to me this coming year, I'll be very excited. And if it doesn't....oh, well...I didn't expect anything, anyway.

I am praying that the world will be a better place and that no one has to go hungry, be without a home and suffer with pain.

I'm done!

I didn't think for a minute that I'd get my wrapping done before I left. But I did it! All done....ready to pack in the car. I've even had energy the last 3 days. I have to thank my friend, Carol. I didn't even need her to rub my back today. But I think I'll have her do it tomorrow before we go home. I'm hoping I can get off early. I'm used to driving to Vernonia, but it would be nice to drive while it's still light out.

I have about half of my foot to finish my sock. I'll be glad when it's done. I'm going to make a mini-sock keychain for my secret Santa at work. I'll get something else to go with it, but this person isn't forthcoming about her life so I have no idea what to get. I'll have to have a chat with Julie D. I use her every year to help me figure out what to get. She's one of the best people at work. She's too smart to be working there. She not a med tech, but can answer questions better than most med techs there. OK, I'm rambling.....I need to finish laundry and pack. I'm praying for a wonderful Christmas for all of us. And I'm praying for wonderful Christmas for everyone and the riches of God's blessing.

I did it!

I got my Christmas shopping done! I shopped all day Saturday with a break for knitting group and 7PM church (wonderful). Sunday, I just lazed around all day....looking at the things I bought and realizing that I needed a couple more things. After work tonight I went to K-Mart. I hadn't been there is years and I see I need to go more often. I got what I needed and also got a couple of things for myself. I'm a bag and purse nut. Since I commute I need both. I need a bag large enough to carry my knitting, a book, lunch, a liter water bottle and various and sundry items. I got them ½ price! So did I wrap presents? Heck, no! Now that wouldn't live up to my procrastination skills. I changed out the bags and knit on my socks. I have Tues and Wed to wrap and I can continue to wrap at Susan's if need be. Wow....I feel great.

I asked a co-worker, Carol, to rub some arnica gel on my back. Somehow her hand found my knot....the worst place on my whole body. She kneaded it well and for the first time in weeks, I had very little pain and could even raise my shoulder without hurting! I told her I'd pay her from now on.

Yes....a good day.

It's less than a week.....

until Christmas and I haven't bought a thing. I can't blame Amy's death on this as it's been 20 years and I can't blame my health, really. And it's not a financial thing. But it's more emotional..... like all my enthusiam is gone. And I don't know how to get it back. I love buying presents for the kids and I love seeing their faces when they open them. I have to make a commitment to get up early tomorrow on Saturday and spend the entire day shopping. Luckily I can rest for 2 hours at my knitting group.

Work is the same, old crap. Nothing like getting yelled at because you were the first person "she" saw. I ignored it and went back to work. What a crazy place! God, please help me!

Bad Day

I woke up this morning and couldn't get out of bed. It doesn't happen very often, but it is frustrating. I finally ventured out at 11AM to take my meds.....4 hours past due. The pain was so bad I could hardly walk. I began to feel halfway human again by 5PM. It's 8PM now and I've only progessed to about 55% human. At least I can sit at the computer for a short while. Days like this make me glad I can work.

I'm knitting like crazy.....

trying to get 2 pair of socks done by Christmas. I'm on the 2nd sock for Garrett and I'm on the first sock for Sock Knitters Anonymous on Ravelry. It's a gorgeous slip stitch pattern that I'm doing in purple and green. I love the pattern and I'm not bored at all.

Lot of pain and fatigue today. Weather? Could be....it's in the low 20's. I'm so glad I have an electric blanket so I can stay warm and cozy.

I did my own CBC today and my H&H are up! That's very good news. H&H is hemoglobin and hematocrit. They tell me how well the iron is helping me. Dr wanted me to take 3 pills a day, but I couldn't tolerate it. I've been taking 1 a day and it's working! I'm so pleased with that. I also got my blood drawn yesterday for a lot of other tests. I'll find out Friday when I have my Dr's appointment. Here's hoping......

If I could write a letter to me.....

1. Don't get hung up on the small stuff. Let it go....don't keep bringing it up.
2. Kiss and hug your children more and stop yelling at them.
3. Don't look for love. You won't find it....it will come to you if you will let it.
4. Be obedient to God. It's a lot less painful and God really does bless obedience.
5. Quit blaming your fibro for EVERYTHING. Yes, it affects your life....a lot, but there's a lot of
emotional baggage, too.
6. Get over it. Do whatever you need to do.....scream, cry, bitch, act like an idiot, but then let it
go.
7. Be content. You don't need "someone" or money or food or chocolate ice cream to make you
feel better.
8. Pray daily. Pray not only for yourself, but your friends, your church, your co-workers, the
needy, the homeless.
9. Let your family and friends know how much you love them. Tell them how important they
are to you. Tomorrow could be too late.
10. Love God.

I want everyone to......

remember during this Christmas season the mothers who have lost a child. This is one of the most difficult holidays for me since losing Amy. If you came into my house, you'd never know it was Christmas. And then my dad died on Christmas morning. My dad's love for me was the only sure thing I knew. So the loss of him was very hard on me, too......it still is. My mother's death, on the other hand, was not that big of deal. Sure, I cried for a day or two, but I don't miss her. I miss Amy and my dad.

Fibro, phone call and the end.

My fibro has been acting up on my back. I forgot to get Julie to rub arnica gel on it yesterday and the pain was so bad I almost took an extra pain pill. Today I accidently left it at home and so I rubbed it on the areas I could reach. It worked well. I'm so glad I decided to use it.

Susie called me this evening. She and I have been BFFs for almost 13 years. Although her mom is older than I am, we are totally in sync with each other. We know each other and understand each other like no other relationship I've had. She prayed for my health and for a decision that I had made, but didn't want to because the right decision was no, but my heart says yes. Just pray that I can remain strong.

It's so late and my eyes keep shutting. I think it's bedtime!

Fibro and

December

I can't believe it's December already. I feel like it's only June. Can I go back? I'm so cold all the time. Work temp is about 20-21 C and I wear a sweatshirt all the time. Sometimes I also put a sweatshirt on under my sweatshirt!

I'm working on a really cool pair of socks in purple and green. I can't wait to finish and post them.

Had a crazy thought this AM....and then it disappeared. OH well. I did read today that DHEA is supposed to help with the brain and thinking. And it's supposed to help with sleep. I don't know whether to try it or now. Who do I believe among all the experts?

Thanksgiving Week

This has been a good week for me. I drove to Vernonia after work on Wednesday. I didn't get up the next day until about 10:30 AM. I've been having trouble getting to sleep. My sleep cycles regularly. I can't get to sleep, I can't stay asleep or I'm up all night long. Monday night I got 4 hours sleep. Waking up in the morning is brutal. I need at least 30 minutes of playing with the snooze alarm and then often I'm running late. Anyway, Thanksgiving Day was great. I helped with the meal which was scrumptious. I knit on my hat and I just plain relaxed. Let's see.....that's all I did on Friday and Saturday......knit, eat and relax. The kids were busy going places so I didn't feel pressured to play with them. I finished my hat, worked on Garrett's sock and started a new sock for me. The pattern is called Montgolfiere. It's made with 2 of my favorite colors....purple and green.

I'm having some back pain....probably because I'm sitting so much. I'll get out tomorrow and that will help. I've also had Susan put arnica gel in the places that hurt the most and it really helps. Now if I could just get her to give me a massage....don't think that will ever happen.

I spent too much time thinking....not so good for me. My mind goes where it shouldn't. That's painful. I'm trying to stay focused on whatever I'm doing, but everything draws me back. It's sucks. Have I already said that?

Sadness

I went through the day feeling a bit of sadness. It's not unusual to feel sadness before a holiday when you've lost a child. You not only ache for your loss, but you ache for their loss. Amy will never graduate from college, get married, have children, start family holiday traditions and enjoy life. I only pray that Heaven is just incredible for her and I long for the day when I can see her again. Amy, I miss you so much. I wish you could see your nephews and niece. Hennessy is so much like you that sometimes I laugh at the things she says and does. She is very independent like you were. She's bold and daring like you. She will kiss you only when she feels like it....like you. I can't wait to see her as a beautiful, young woman. Know, Amy, that I think of you every day.

A Glimpse

Sometimes we get a glimpse of something that's beautiful and makes us feel we have some of our youth back.....feelings of joy and peace and love. But then it's taken away from us in an instant. I'm not angry or upset, but I'm sad that I won't get to experience more. There's no one to blame.....it just is. I'm thankful for the small view of a more perfect world. And life goes on.

Finally

It's Friday evening and like everyone else, I live for Fridays. Usually I'm so exhausted that when I get home I just sit and can't move. Today is different. I'm actually feeling OK.

I discovered my problem with feeling sick yesterday. I had forgotten to take my Cymbalta for 3 days. As I was packing meds to visit Susan and kids this week-end, I found the bottle at the back of my medicine cabinet. As soon as I got to work, I googled "cymbalta cold turkey". OMG, I had almost every symptom that was listed! Cymbalta is an SSRI anti-depressant used to treat pain in people with fibro. But you never want to cold turkey Cymbalta.....ever. The feelings I had were so bad I don't want to go through that again. Why did I forget? This is my morning routine. Get out of bed, take pain meds, take a shower, get dressed and then take rest of meds. I've always had 5 usual meds that I only take in the AM.....5. So everyday I count to make sure I have them all. Well, I seemed to have forgotten that I've added Iron to my regimen. So I still had 5 AM pills. My system has worked for years and years, but clearly it isn't now. My great friend, Julie D, has a Kaiser appointment and said she'd pick up a large pill case for me to put those meds in. It's very cheap there. Isn't she a sweetheart? It's so good to have friends who care. I thank God for my friends who are still my friends even tho I can be a beast with the fibro. It's not easy being me.....fibro, PTSD, divorced, bereaved mom.....so it must be hard on my friends, too, when I go crazy. God is good.

I don't even know

where to start or what to say? So why am I here? It's been a bizarre week. Last night I decided this must be what ADHD is like. I can't focus and I flit from the couch to the computer to the kitchen and back. I start a project and then frog it. My mind is everywhere. I'm having trouble reading on the Max....finding myself just staring out the window. I just finished "Marley and Me". I found myself sobbing on the way to work and had to stop reading. I decided I had to finish on the way home and as tears flowed down my cheeks, I finished. I always wonder what the people around me are thinking. Or do they even notice? Does anyone care that I'm crying? No.....it's become a cold world.

I left work earlytoday. I woke up this AM a bit confused, but after my shower, I felt OK. I worked in the STD lab and had no problems up until around 11AM when I started feeling ADHD-ish again. I left around 1PM and had lunch. My stomach was OK, but I felt like I'd been punched in the head. I have loud, constant ringing in the middle of my head! Usually it's just in the ears and that's no problem. I'm used to it, but the middle of my head? That's just crazy. I'm so tired, but I couldn't sleep when I got home. Watched TV from bed and finally got antsy and got up. I'm really feeling scared today. I supposed I should call Dr KK, but I won't unless things get worse.

I'm old and ill....no one wants to be with someone like me. I really miss being in a relationship. I miss having someone just to hold me when I don't feel well, someone to rub my back when the pain is getting bad, someone to just tell me it will be all right. Yeah.....I do love my fantasies cuz that's all I've got!

Do not drink....

when you are knitting a complicated cable pattern for socks. I really screwed it up Saturday evening while drinking a Mike's Hard Limeade and just had to leave it. I went to bed hopeful for a new day and a clear mind. Well, it was a new day, all right, but a clear mind was barely there. I finally sat down to knit and fixed my mistake. I took off and knit 2 rounds with lots of cables and messed up again. I apparently dropped a stitch. Tonight I tinked back 2 rows....not an easy task with all those cables. I got the stitch picked up and that needle was fine again. But somewhere along the line I'm missing a stitch on the other needle. I love the pattern, My Vampire Boyfriend, and the yarn is a gorgeous kettle-dyed deep red. But the yarn is extremely splitty. I don't the pattern and the yarn are meant to be together. I will have to think on this awhile.

I felt great today. I wasn't tired and I had almost no pain. What's the reason? That's an interesting question.

Friday, the 13th

This day has never been an unlucky day for me. I don't believe in superstitions, palm readings, tarot, horoscopes, finding my aura, etc. If you don't believe, those things can't hurt you. I believe God is in control and that's that.

I had a wonderful day on Wed, the 11th, Veteran's Day. I undertook a large (for me) project and I felt so proud of myself. I suppose it should have taken only a couple of hours, but I stretched it out all day. That's OK. At least I got done. I have big plans for tomorrow, too.

I was diagnosed with anemia. I have virtually no iron stores. I tried taking 325 mg FE(iron) twice a day, but it tore up my gut. I had to stop taking it because it wasn't worth the pain. I went to my rheumotolost, Dr KK and it was decided I'd take a different kind of FE pill. I still haven't done it, but I am taking one of the ones I have once a day. I'm starting to get back a little bit of energy so I suppose the FE is helping. I will have a blood test in a few weeks to see if I'm making any improvement.

Oh......about knitting. I'm making socks for all my grandchildren. I started my granddaughter's 2nd sock and I probably cast on about 10 times trying to line up the stripes. I usually get it first try, but I'm making a much smaller sock than I'm used to and making up the pattern as I go. I've finally got about an inch or so on it, but it won't take me long to finish. I also started a sock for myself called "My Vampire Boyfriend". Of course, it's in red...what else? It's a difficult pattern so it's slow-going for me. That's OK. The kids are more important. One of my friends at work asked me to make a pair of socks for her for her retirement. She's only in her 40's! I was thrilled she asked. After Christmas I will design a pair for her.

Did I mention.....

that I am a procrastinator? I really wasn't like this a few years ago. I think the fibro adds to it, but when you aren't working, don't have much money and are desperately seeking a job, you tend to let things go. I let my checkbook go. Keep an accounting every month? Whatever for. I know exactly how much money I have in my account at any one time and I can check it online at any time. What's the problem? This same philosophy applies to other areas of my life. I can always get something done.....it's just a matter of when. And now with my fibro worsening, it's easier to let things go. Seems like the only thing that gets done is work and knitting, especially socks. Yes, I'm a sock addict. It could be a worse addiction!

These are the socks I designed. I call them "Curvalicious" I'm in the process of writing the pattern and hope to post it soon on Ravelry and here.