Understanding Fibro

I wish there was some way to get people to understand what I go through every day.....and I mean every day. People whine about their aches and pains and I get that. But they don't get it when I whine. Their pain goes away and mine doesn't. They have energy after work and I have none. Some days it takes all my energy to just get through the day let alone try to do anything else. Most days I can't even fix dinner when I get home. Can't someone just say, "I'm sorry" instead of rolling their eyes? I don't talk about it much at all anymore except with a couple of friends. I have a watch with an alarm to remind me to take my meds, and people at work know why. Can you believe I often forget to take my meds? How can that happen? Sometimes I wished I was addicted. If I forget, my reminder is the increasing pain and fatigue. If I can stay on my schedule, I can usually tolerate the day OK. Yesterday and today I really hurt. The only thing that has changed is the time change. I shouldn't be hurting in my upper back where I got my injections last week, but I am. Usually around 3-4PM I feel like a balloon that's been stuck with a pin and all the energy I've had just bursts out. But I still have to keep working. And now I'm working overtime often.....just what my poor body needs, but I have to do it.

Work is bizarre.....we are short-staffed, but have a new person this week. A person who shouldn't be training is.......so today I just jumped in and kinda took over. I love teaching. I taught a college class and have done training at other jobs I've had. There's no way I could teach grades K-12........I'd be screaming at the smart-assed kids and I'd want to strangle them. I remember me all too well at that age.

My Dr (PCP) called me twice on Sat evening. Does he ever go home? I was called around 10PM on Thurs evening, too. His wife and he practice together and I'm beginning to think they live at the clinic, too. He always keeps me informed. I do have a sspecialist I see every 2 months. I don't see PCP often.....my specialist pretty much takes care of everything, but when I had 2 terrible bouts of abdominal pain (which both resulted in emergency surgeries) and this latest problem, I see PCP. I was supposed to go in for lab work in August. Haven't done it yet. If I was still working in a full service lab, I would have done the work myself. But I don't......so I keep procrastinating and that's a whole other story.

A scary time....and not because of Halloween

I found a lesion Monday evening and was very scared as my mom had the same thing at about my age and hers was malignant. I called my PCP the next day. He was also thinking malignancy. He called a specialist and they got me in the same today. He doesn't think it's cancer, but I am using a special cream. If the lesion goes away in a month, great. If it doesn't, then he will biopsy. I was a wreck at work. I took Wed off because of 2 Drs appt and this afternoon for another. But hopefully that's it for awhile.

I wasn't able to knit very much this week, but I'm back with my sweater. I'm about ready to move on and I'm nervous about it since I really don't know what I'm doing. But I will learn. I bought several skeins of yarn this week (in between Drs appts). It's so beautiful. I need to wind it and I don't have a winder. I'll save it until I goes to my daughter's and I'll do it there. In the meantime, I also have my dishcloths. I love them.....I get such a feeling of accomplishment doing them. Doesn't take much to amuse me.

I'm missing the grandkids. I probably won't go this week-end because I really need to clean my house. I've been putting it off too long. But the week-end after that, I'll get 4 days with them. I want to play and have fun so I hope the fibro doesn't act up.

The Best News Ever

I slept until 1030 so I didn't make it to church. I was supposed to usher. I think I'm going to drop out because I'm either at Susan's or I'm sick. I should have gone to church last night. I didn't even shower or get out of my sweats today. I ordered out for pizza for the first time in years. Yesterday all I ate were 3 protein bars. That's not good, but I'm out of food. I suppose I'll go to the store after work tomorrow no matter how bad I feel.

Now.....for the thing I've been praying for for years.....and I mean years. Susan called me today and asked me to baptize her next time I visit.....in 2 weeks. I cried and cried and thanked and thanked God for answered prayer. That means we can all be together in heaven......my biggest dream. When she moved further away from me, I was a wreck. I didn't want her and the grandchildren that far away. So I prayed that God would provide a friend for her that would lead her to Christ. One of the first people she met was a pastor's wife. I couldn't plan that any better.......only God could. God is so good! For a long time in my Christian life, I didn't believe prayer really worked. But I have seen so much answered prayer not only in my life, but in the lives of my friends. I believe God can work anything for good and that makes life's crappy things easier to take. Heaven is for eternity and this life is but a blip on the screen of life. That gets me through the terrible pain times.....knowing this won't last.....that when I get to heaven I'll be pain-free and have energy. I can't wait! Thank you, Father, for my incredible life and for both my daughter's lives.

It's 2AM and I should be sleeping

It's 2AM and I can't sleep even with my night time meds. I can't focus long enough to knit so I've just been cruising around Ravelry looking at patterns and yarns. Had a 2 hour phone call with my BFF SW. She lives in San Diego and I'm hoping she comes to visit in a few weeks. I suppose I won't be going to church tomorrow. I'm really hurting and I know I will need to sleep in. I told myself from the time I was DX'd that I would not let the fibro be in charge of my life....that I will be in charge of it. After more than 20 years, I'm steadily worsening so it is beginning to tell me what to do.

I had a long talk today with granddaughter B on the phone. She's 3 and loves talking to me. I don't understand her very well so I ask a lot of questions. I'm getting better at deciphering her words.....or she's starting to talk plainer. Last year I spent about 6 weeks at my daughter's house after a major, emergency surgery and she still wants to see my owie now and then. The boys, G and B, are awesome. They are being homeschooled. Oregon public schools are among the worst in the nation. G needs help for his disability and the schools didn't do anything. B was bored to death in school because he was far ahead of his class. So my daughter, S, bravely made the decision to home school. Both boys are doing awesome. One other reason she is doing this is because the principal of the school was caught smoking pot in public and the school board didn't do a thing about it. In fact, quite a few people pulled their kids of out school. Not the role model I'd want for my kids.

I suppose I'd better try and sleep. I'll probably have to take more meds. I hate taking meds, but if I didn't I'd be in bed every day, all day. Not fun........

GBBGrandma

I said I would NEVER blog, but I have to have a place to vent. I vent too much to my friends and I don't want to ruin friendships. I don't care if this ever gets read by anyone. I suppose I could keep a Word file instead of this, but this feels more real.

I'm getting old, I feel like shit and I hate this. Don't get me wrong....I love my life. I have a wonderful daughter, a great son-in-law and 3 of the best grandchildren ever. I have a comparatively easy job and I make enough money for an occasionable splurge. But.....and the big but is this.......I have fibromyalgia. I live with 24 hour pain. Some days I'm relatively pain-free. For me.....pain-free means my pain level is at a 3 or so on a scale of 1-10. When it's bad, like today, it more like 6-7. The fatigue for me is worse than the pain. I hate it when I'm with GBB and I'm so tired I can't play with them. I want to be a fun grandma. I didn't have grandparents around. Both my grandfathers died before I was born. One of my grandma's was extremely old and the other one lived far away and was a witch. So it's very important for me to be there for my grandkids.