Today at work.....

I was told.....1.   Don't do any independent thinking.
                   2.   Don't try to do your best.
                   3.   Don't try to help others.
                   4.   Don't care.
Can you believe it?  I was appalled that I was told this, but it certainly didn't surprise me.  This is the attitude by the whole organization I work for, but most certainly it is the attitude of the lab.  What do I do?  And then I was told I'm "fragile".  I can say a big bullshit to that.  If anything, I'm strong....too strong and that pisses off people.  So be it.  All of the bad things that have happened to me have just made me stronger.  I just trust God for my final reward.

I had an appt with my PCP today.  I only needed two prescriptions written.  We talked awhile and then out of the blue, he asked me how my mood was.  After what I heard this morning, I told him I was depressed, that I was diagnosed with PTSD.  He wanted to know why and when I told him about the emotional abuse of my mother and the emotional and verbal abuse of my ex-husband, he gave me a hug.  I was really moved by that and actually felt a little better.  As I write this, though, I do have tears in my eyes.  I'm just plain tired.  I'm emotionally drained.  And that certainly doesn't mean fragile.  Although I shouldn't and I know I shouldn't, I will tell my boss that I AM NOT FRAGILE.  I AM STRONG.  That's it.  That's all I'm saying and she can do whatever she wants with that.

Here is a pciture of the baby sweater I'm knitting.  I'm close to being half done.  I get very bored with stockinette stitch.  But I got a beautiful yarn so I will post the sweater I knit when I'm done.

Isn't this pretty?

I made a mistake

today and cared for a moment.  Of course, it caused quite the stir.  When will I ever learn?  I was able to get through the rest of the day and it felt damn good to not give a shit.

My grandson's 15th birthday was yesterday.  I was at his birth.....I can't believe he's this old already.  He is a computer and reading nut.  He also likes Legos with a 1000 pieces.  I got him books, but Amazon screwed up.  I paid to get 2 day shipping a week ago.  The books are still not here.  I also ordered books 2 & 3 of the Hunger Games series.  Loved the first book and gave it to my grandson.

I didn't sleep well this week-end.  In fact, I didn't even make it to church on Sunday.  I hurt a lot and had no energy.  But after I got my meds and just sat and knit awhile, I felt better.

My grandkids last summer at the beach.....it was rather chilly!

Cheer!

I sent my daughter an email from work yesterday about how freeing it was to let go.  This is what she emailed back to me.

GO MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is so cool!

Free!

It's so freeing to let go.  I can't do a thing to make a difference....really.  So just accepting that people are stupid and ignorant and don't care has freed me from some anger I've had.  Now....I just I have to keep going.

It's also helped that my doc has prescribed a new medication for me and it's really helping.  I'm having more energy and I can even do things after work that I couldn't do before.  Praise for drugs!

Failure

I didn't have a happy childhood.  Nothing I did was ever good enough....even the time I got all As and one B on my report card.  I constantly heard from my mother - if you'd be more nice, you'd have more friends - if you quit eating so much, you'd lose weight - if you'd study more, you would get all As - if you keep your mouth closed, you'd be prettier - and on and on.  Then I got into a marriage of emotional and verbal abuse.  Whoa!  Thirty-two years of crap from the people that I thought loved me. By then I had no self-esteem left.  But after 4 years of college and graduating with a BS in Bacteriology and getting only As and Bs, I was beginning to feel better about myself.  I got a divorce and was a single, working mom of 2 teenage daughters who were my world.  I decided then that I was going to help make this world a better place and to help people have an easier life.  Well, I'm now 62 and I haven't made a mark at all in this world.  I've tried so hard that I've only made people dislike me.  People don't want an easier way to do their work.  They don't want to be friends no matter how much I give myself to them.  The people I work with pretend to be friends. No one cares about the work they do.  Well, I care.....but it was got me nowhere.  No more.  I will do the best I can do, try my hardest, be nice and let people be.  What else can I do?  It's hard to be slapped on the face day after day.  So, world, I give up. 

I was almost left behind

by time.  Yes.....by time.  I came home from work a couple of weeks ago and the power had been off.  You know how it is....all the digital clocks are blinking.  Believe me, it's a pain in the butt to reset the clock and alarm by my bed.  You need to know that I would sleep until 10 or 11AM without an alarm. Not good when you have to work. I totally rely on my alarm to get me up in the morning.  The next morning....no alarm. But I have a back-up across the room and that alarm went off.......also a pain in the butt because I have to get out of bed every 7 minutes when the snooze alarm goes off.  Oh, yes, I need time to wake up, too.  Usually takes at least 30 minutes.  So that evening I checked the alarm and everything seemed fine.  Again the next day it didn't go off.  Crazy.....good thing for the back-up and that's what I've been using. Well, once in awhile, I would come home from work in the evening and the alarm would be quite loud.  It's terrible for my neighbors because I have my bedroom window open.....it's OK.  I'm on the 2nd floor and who would want to come into my place anyway.  And it was ringing again tonight when I came home.  I have checked and rechecked the alarm.....yes it was set for AM.  You see, there's a little light by the letters PM and it wasn't on.  I had just reconciled myself to buying a new alarm (I go through alarms quite often).  I had a brilliant idea. I checked the clock and alarm for about the 5th time and  I had set the clock to AM when I reset it the first time.  So the alarm was going off in the evening. I felt like slapping myself up the side of my head.  Two weeks!  It took me 2 weeks to figure this out. I can always say it's the fibro or my age.  But this felt just plain stupid.

Another Hawaii photo....

I have this week off, but

I've been spending it at a drs appt and at the hospital for a procedure.  Since my last bowel obstruction 6 weeks ago, I've had a lot of nausea, when I can eat, I fill up fast and then have bloating and pain, and I'm losing weight.  Now that's totally bizarre for me.  I've only lost weight twice in my life.....once with Jenny Craig and once with Atkins.  I usually maintain and often gain.  So when the pounds kept coming off, I started getting worried.  I saw a dr who ordered blood work and CT scan which was normal.  Yesterday, I saw an gastroenterologist.  What a great doc! I've never had such a comprehensive history taken.  He even asked me if I still had my cat!  He wanted to do an EGD....let's see if I can spell that.....esophogastroduodenoscopy.....or something like up.  All it is is an scope down the throat.  I insisted that they make sure I don't wake up.....I've done that before and while interesting in that I was able to see my innards on a screen, I didn't want to do it again.  It was perfect.  All I know at this point is that the doc did several biopsies from every area.  Since I know my liver and pancreas are OK, it only leaves my esophagus, stomach and upper intestine to worry about.  I will call him next week for the results. My jeans are all falling off me.....just 6 weeks ago, I couldn't get into them.  It's amazing what 8-10# can make in a 5'2" person.....at least 2 pants sizes. 

Gotta toss in a picture....don't know what one yet.  We'll just see what comes up!

This is me in Maui....on a beach loaded with shells.  There is a cruise ship in the background and I'm holding the sock I designed for my friend, Kim.  It's been over a year.  You think I'd get it published by now.  I'm just too much of a procrastinator to finish.  What can I say? Oh yeah.....I weighed about 10# more in that picture than I do now.